Sometimes she fantasized about being hit by a car.
Not because she wanted to die – in fact, she had a strong love of life. But she knew, that if at that moment, flying down the hill on her bicycle, tears streaming down her face from the cold wind; she knew that if she were to get hit by a car, she would know it was “meant to be.”
She did not fear death or pain, (since at that time in her life she still believed in God), yet those were not the parts of the accident she fantasized about. She wanted to fly. She could imagine herself, soaring through the air in a way that her trusted bicycle never could. And in those moments, and the following moments lying on the wet hard asphalt, she imagined herself at peace. Perfectly content, with no regrets about the past or worries about the future, because, at that moment she was physically unable to do anything about either. The more she thought about it, the more she came to realize that it was not really getting hit by a car that she dreamed about, but rather unconditional peace of mind.
–also taken from my high school journal