“So this is the new year and I don’t feel any different”

From my journal, dated January 2nd 2012 (age 17)

I’ve tried keeping a journal before, but it’s never worked out; I forget about it, or just get too busy. But when I found this journal under my pillow on New Year’s Eve it seemed like perfect timing. My mind is always overflowing with thoughts, ideas, worries, and dreams and sometimes I find myself narrating my life, like it is written in a book in my head, but whenever I try to put it on paper I can never do my mind justice. I’ll simply try my best.

This year coming up is a big one: Ecuador, sailing trip, graduation… and then the black abyss: the big unknown. I don’t know if I’m ready for it all yet, but when will I really be? Over the past months I’ve really grown and changed more than usual. There wasn’t one event that caused this, and I don’t think I act all that different, but it’s there. Although I’m no less confused or afraid, I am more confident and stronger too. I feel like I recently grew out of that awkward teenage stage that you don’t realize you’re in until you’re out of it, if you know what I mean. And I’m definitely more independent, in my thoughts at least, if not in my actions. For one thing, Stephanie, my closest friend, has been so ridiculously busy planning her future these past months that I’ve felt more alone and had more time to think for myself. I guess I realized that our paths we’re going to take are different, and I won’t have her as my security blanket next year.

I have so much more I want to say about everything I think and feel, but for now I need to go to bed. Tomorrow school begins again and you have no idea how much I’m dreading it. I wonder if the other kids feel as I do when they walk in the doors: the feeling of needing to act, to put on a mask, and try to “play the part”. To try to look as though we have it all figured out or if not, that we don’t care…

I can’t promise I’ll write here regularly, but I will try… my mind could fill out a million pages.

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