From my journal dated June 26th 2012 (age 17)
So I’m going to write about what happened last night. In many ways I don’t want to talk or think about it because it’s such an uncomfortable memory, but at the same time, I feel the need to express my emotions about it all, even though I don’t know what these emotions are.
Anyways, first off I don’t want you (whoever you are) to get the wrong impression of me. I’m NOT a “party girl” or the type of girl that fills her journal writing about boys. But, these things are new and confusing and are happening to me so they’re on my mind and that’s why I’m writing disproportionately about them.
So last night I went to a party; a party I wasn’t too keen about from the beginning. I ended up going downtown with Alice and she had some alcohol that we drank in the basement of the Hotel B- but it wasn’t very much honestly. Then, we went to the club where the party was and we waited outside for an hour (in line). It was frustrating. Oh, and I saw Arianna and Katie E., some old elementary school friends, which was very awkward. The beginning of a number of awkward and uncomfortable moments during the night.
Yes, in fact, if I had to describe my night in one word, it would be; uncomfortable. The party, once we finally got into the nightclub, was the definition of “not my kind of party.” It would have been more fun if I have been drunk…
So Caleb was waiting there with Sean, and Caleb asked me if I wanted to dance and I said Sure, and we went to the edge of the dance floor and tried to dance to undanceable (for me at least) music. Alice, my a safety blanket + buffer at this event, had disappeared, and Caleb and I were standing an awkward metre apart and both of us were looking over our shoulders, too afraid to make eye contact.
Thank goodness that moment only lasted around 5 minutes, but even that seemed like forever.
Anyways, Caleb and I split up for a bit and I found Daniela, Callie, and Katherine and we girls headed out onto the dance floor. This time though, we were in the middle of the mosh of dancers and it was INSANE. I have never, not even at any other dances, been so close (physically, obviously) to so many people. It was hard to dance and most the time I just felt like I was being shoved. It was fun for a minute, then uncomfortable, then a little ok, then a little fun, and then UNCOMFORTABLE. Because then Caleb found me (Alice and Sean were there too). And because we were so squished, it wasn’t long before he had his arms around me from behind.
I didn’t really mind that his arms were around me (well I did a bit) because it did feel a little nice to be wanted in that way, and also his being there prevented me from getting shoved so much. But the whole time I was trying to suck in my butt and arch my back to prevent my butt from rubbing his crotch which made me feel uncomfortable.
By the way, if you’re my daughter or another relative who’s reading this, forgive me, and believe me when I say I’m embarrassed enough for both of us. Anyways, the next hour or so was spent dancing, sitting at the table in silence, or hiding out in the bathroom. At one point, I sat in a booth with Caleb and he put his arm around me and it was nice and we tried to make conversation but it was interspersed with awkward silences when we were both trying to think of something to say.
I should mention that another thing that made me uncomfortable was when, more than once, I heard a friend of Caleb’s say to him (when I was right beside them) “just go for it man. Just go for it.” In regards to me. Well that just made me feel like a piece of meat, same feeling as when can Connor was telling/urging us to kiss.
What scared me/ excited me was that I could so easily have kissed him. So easily. I’m sure he likes me (he was literally following me around) and I was a little tempted to kiss him. But as you probably know, I haven’t had my first kiss yet, and I didn’t want to waste it on someone who I was beginning to realize, I was not attracted to. But I also wanted to want to kiss him (if that makes sense). It felt so nice to feel wanted; I’ve never had a guy like me before.
Anyways, by 1 a.m. I was ready to call it quits. Too loud, too many people, most of whom were drunk, and just too uncomfortable. Much to my chagrin, we ended up taking cab (for which I had no money) and when we stopped at my house, Caleb got out and walked me to my house.
This is a moment when people kiss, at least in the movies. Anyways I was just so done and wanted to be alone, that I just gave him a quick hug and practically ran around the side of my house. I couldn’t help but slam the gate. I felt icky and like I wasted $25 and most of all I felt, you guessed it, uncomfortable. If something good came from last night, it was learning definitively that I don’t like Caleb, although I do like him as a friend.
Anyways I spent today alone, slowly trying to feel more like myself. I went for a nice long bike ride, I bought a pair of jeans, and I worked out at the gym. I was feeling a little better, but then, he texts me: “Hey.”
ACK! Can’t he tell that I didn’t have fun and that I don’t like him in that way and that we have no chemistry and nothing to talk about? Well, apparently not.
So I didn’t know what to do or text back, so I kind of ignored him. Harsh? A little, but I really just wanted to be left alone. If he texts me again I’ll have to be more clear…
Well forgive me for writing such a long, and probably painfully detailed entry. But from whom am I asking forgiveness? This diary is to be read by myself, and myself alone, until I die, or until I decide that I’m famous enough and have developed enough unshakable self-confidence that I can make this diary public.*
I have also promised myself that I won’t read any previous entries until this book is full, or until ten years have passed. So, again, you must forgive my error-riddled entries because I have not read them over at all.
Ok now I’m just rambling so I’m going to go to bed now. Goodnight!
* [note from current self]: that or publish it anonymously