Adjusting & loneliness

From my journal, dated September 17th 2012

Life your goes on. In many ways it feels like I’ve been here forever. I guess you could say that I’ve gotten used to it and the people. But at the same time, it is only been just over two weeks and eight months seems like a long time (though I know it will go fast).

My floormates are nice people, though I feel like I’m back in high school when I’m with them. That’s just because there’s the “core” group (kind of like the popular group but not that stereotyped) and I sometimes hang out with them and we’re all friendly with each other, but I don’t feel like I’m a part of it. I don’t feel completely included.

I’m working on making more friends. Well, I’ve got Charlotte so far. I sit beside Iris (fellow blogger) in French class and we’re going to be partners for a presentation. I sit beside the other blogger in my English discussion group and I feel we could become friends (her name is Audrey). There’s also Genna who’s in my poli sci and English classes but I don’t think we have too much in common.

I joined the university “bookworms” (book club) though we haven’t had a meeting yet. I also joined the French club which sounds super fun and seems like a good way to meet people. I’m still looking for a climate action / enviro group to join. So frustrating that I haven’t found anything yet (or heard back from people I contacted). I’ll find something.

I would say that I’m pretty happy here. The one thing I’d like is to make more friends though. I mean, I’m a real introvert and I like doing things alone, but I still like someone to talk to, you know?

On Friday I hit a low point. A real low point. Embarrassing to think about. I was just overcome with loneliness. I sat in my room alone hearing drunk people parading in the hallway outside and bawled my eyes out, and even Googled “I feel so lonely”. It was horrible; I just felt like I had no one to talk to.

I don’t want my parents to think I’m lonely (or bored) so I try not to Skype them too often. I also try not to pester Stephanie with too many messages, because she’s just in the process of setting up her new life at Stanford.

Anyways, I’ve been feeling better since then. Saturday I got a haircut which I (mostly) love. I also got a public library card so that makes me happy. And on Sunday I went for a beautiful bike ride along the river. This is a lovely city.

In short, I’ve learned that there’s a VERY fine line between being alone and being lonely. But, as it currently says on my inspirational whiteboard; “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow.”

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