I hate evenings

From my journal, dated Saturday October 6th, 2012

I hate evenings. I have for years now. It’s like I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but for days, not seasons. Evenings are dark, dreary, often lonely, and, well dark. It doesn’t help that I’m most thoughtful and emotional in the evenings. Anyways, so I often feel kind of depressed at night. Like tonight. I start to feel like I wasted my day and feel anxious and worried about the next. Tonight it’s more that I’m lonely.

But the most messed up thing is that I’m pretty sure, that even though it’s Thanksgiving weekend and most people are away, that there are a couple of people in the common lounge who I could theoretically go hang out with.

But I stay alone in my room instead. I hate conversations and chitchat.

I am the biggest introvert ever.

I want to get to know these people on a personal and deeper level but how to start? I’m a listener, not a speaker, and a follower, not a leader.

I have nothing on tomorrow and I might try to go to church. I found one that looks interesting and modern but I don’t know if I’ll have the guts. Churches are scary, especially when you’ve almost never been inside one.

But I need to find something, some sort of raft to climb aboard soon. Because I can’t continue floating along alone. So alone.

Meanwhile, my youth is slipping through my fingers….

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