If I could change one thing about myself

From my journal, dated November 12th 2012

If I could change one thing about myself, there’s no longer any doubt about what I’d choose: I would make myself more outgoing.

It’s no secret that the majority of people consistently name their connections and relationships with others as most important to them and to their happiness. But what about those who don’t have any (or barely any)?

I really hate how shy and introverted I am. Tonight there was a “social” for all the Model UN participants. I went and left within 10 minutes, because I felt so uncomfortable and because I think I am physically unable to mingle. I ended up standing in the middle of the room alone, looking around awkwardly with no one to talk to. I don’t understand how people can strike up conversations with strangers, and even more, join a group of strangers already talking.

So I left, feeling horrible and utterly alone. And right now I kind of hate myself, though I’m trying to give myself credit. At least I showed up and gave it a try (though not a very serious try). And next time, I’ll try to show up and talk to at least one person. I’ll go slow.

I sometimes wonder if there’s a part of life that I missed or was sheltered from, where everyone learns these social skills, like how to mingle. I’d really like to know that.

So right now I have an utterly small number of significant relationships in my life. I’ll try to change that, but I think I just need some more overall confidence. Because, at the moment, I can’t believe that anyone would want to be my friend.

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