My (a)sexuality

From my journal, dated November 11, 2013

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (ha! what else is new?), specifically about sexuality. About my sexuality. Or lack of it.

You see, I think I’m asexual. It’s something I’ve been mulling over for some weeks now. I’m not yet completely sure… and yet… I have no desire in having sex with people. And I’m not even really attracted to people – as in, I can’t remember ever having a crush on someone besides Robbie in Grade 5. I’ve been doing research and spending time on the AVEN (Asexuality Visibility something Network) website and I feel like it might be a space for me. I yearn to know for sure, one way or the other, whether I am asexual or not. Just so I can be certain in myself + how I identify. I’m pretty close to there, but I have some hesitations, including..

– I’ve never been in a relatioship with anyone, or kissed, or had sex with anyone so how can I know it’s not for me?

– maybe I just haven’t put myself out there enough… I do spend most of my days evenings alone. Is it any surprise then that I haven’t found love yet?

– I still have sexual fantasies and can be aroused. The Asexual Network says that some asexuals do, and what makes the difference is whether these feelings are ever connected to or felt towards real people… and for me they’re not.

– and then there’s the whole romantic/aromantic thing, which is different than sexual/asexual. Since I don’t have crushes on people that would put me closer to being aromantic, but then at the same time, I really like the idea of being in a loving committed relationship. I want that. I want to find “the one” and true love. It’s hard to know whether it’s really me that wants those things though or if it’s mostly society and our culture that is feeding/selling it to me. In some ways, I’m scared of coming out as asexual because it would mean admitting to myself and the world that I’m going to be forever alone. It might turn potentials for true love away, and is that something I want to risk? I mean if tomorrow I find the love of my life and feel sexually attracted to them, hell I would drop asexuality in a heartbeat. I want to keep my options open.

But labels change right? People can identify as different things at different times of their life. Maybe I’ll try ” asexual” out for a while.

When will I know with enough certainty that I can begin coming out to people? I think the fact that I identify right now with the feeling of being in the closet is a pretty good indicator that I’m not your typical heterosexual. I can give it a try… I read today that asexuals sometimes shorten the term to “ace” and I found that really cool.

I could be an ace. ♠

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