Mounting anxiety

From my journal, dated November 24, 2013

Winter has arrived. The snow + cold are here; today was around -20 Celsius with windchill, but I only know that from the weather report, because today I stayed inside.

A check-in on my life atm: I’m doing pretty well. Not too much schoolwork, and only a week and a half left of classes. This weekend was super chill and I didn’t feel pressured to do very much schoolwork (which might come back to haunt me).

On Friday, Nate + I went out for dinner at Galvido’s which was really nice, and afterwards at home he taught me the (card) game “Dominion” which was lots of fun. We played again on Saturday night. Healthwise, I’m doing ok. I’ve been eating really well – besides my every day after dinner “dessert” which is an excuse to eat chocolate and/or cookies and/or ice cream and/or candy every night which is a really bad habit. I’ve been going for runs 3x a week which is good, except that might change with the snow now. I’ll check the conditions tomorrow, but I might have to start going to the school gym.

I also started the Pill today. So that’s a thing. And probably will be now for many years to come.

Honestly, at this exact moment I’m feeling emotional and tired and stressed. Stressed because I just realized that tomorrow I’m going to have to ask my volunteer supervisor to be my reference. In French too, and it is a fact that when I speak French while nervous (aka always) I mumble and end up making lots of mistakes. It’s also not ideal because I’ve actually not really been working directly under this woman, so she doesn’t know me all that well. As soon as I realized that I had to do this, I was overcome with anxiety, such that I hadn’t felt in quite a while. Almost as scary as the emotion itself, was the familiarity I felt towards it. It’s like this part of me that I had forgotten had been lying dormant and just came back. It made me remember my anxieties of when I was younger and made me consider that maybe my anxiety has been + is a more significant part of me than I had thought. My mum recognized this though, even when I didn’t; just the other day she said that she thought anxiety might be the cause of my not having a period.

Wow, right now I feel like a lazy, over-emotional, unproductive, hot mess of a slob. I think I should head to bed.

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