From my journal, dated December 14, 2013
3 exams down, 2 to go. One this evening, one tomorrow, and then home on Monday. It’s so close I can taste it.
It’s brutally cold outside: -30 with wind chill. SO cold… I just climbed into bed and that too is cold. I’m going to try to nap, since I’m exhausted; I haven’t’ been sleeping well at all. Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall back asleep for almost 2 hours.
Today I’ve been thinking a lot about my body, because after my morning exam I went to the gym and when I looked in the mirror I saw that I was so very thin. I knew I’d lost some weight since I’ve been getting lots of exercise and eating very healthy. But what I saw scared me a bit… I weighed myself on the scale there (which I don’t know how reliable it is) and it read 114 pounds.
Truthfully I like the way my stomach is now flat but I’m not sure if I’ve gone too far, and I’m worried about what my parents will think when they see me in a bikini in Hawaii. Will they be worried? Should they be worried?
It’s not like I’m not eating regularly; I’ve been eating 3 meals a day. And part of it all is knowing that during the holidays I wont’ be getting much exercise or eating as healthy (Christmas cookies!). So I thought that since I’ve been so good, I can go ahead and let myself slide when I’m away. I can eat those cookies.
These’s just that tiny fear that this has turned into something mental, and that I won’t want to eat the cookies.