On our way / Home for Christmas

From my journal, dated December 17, 2013

I’m in one of my favorite places right now. I’m in the backseat of my family’s car. All comfy and surrounded by our stuff. Beside me, my brother; my parents talking quietly in the front seat. Darkness outside, and we’re driving.

Basically I’m in a safe little cocoon with all I need, separated from the world. Doing nothing but still going somewhere.

I flew in yesterday and it’s so nice to be reunited with my family again. Homecoming wasn’t as emotional this time as it was in June, because I hadn’t been away as long and also, I think, because I was happier this semester and was a bit more established living in my own place. I wasn’t really homesick much, if at all. And like I said, being away 3.5 months is quite different than 10.5 months.

I love this city though, I love my house, and I also love Christmastime. There’s just something about Christmas decorations – red and green and gold – that makes everything feel special. Last night we had dinner with my grandparents and it felt like Christmas, complete with a motherload of Christmas cookies.

And now it’s 6am and we’re on our way to the airport where we’re catching a flight to Hawaii. I’m already dreading the end of this vacation. God let me make the most of these next weeks.

Weight worries

From my journal, dated December 14, 2013

3 exams down, 2 to go. One this evening, one tomorrow, and then home on Monday. It’s so close I can taste it.

It’s brutally cold outside: -30 with wind chill. SO cold… I just climbed into bed and that too is cold. I’m going to try to nap, since I’m exhausted; I haven’t’ been sleeping well at all. Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn’t fall back asleep for almost 2 hours.

Today I’ve been thinking a lot about my body, because after my morning exam I went to the gym and when I looked in the mirror I saw that I was so very thin. I knew I’d lost some weight since I’ve been getting lots of exercise and eating very healthy. But what I saw scared me a bit… I weighed myself on the scale there (which I don’t know how reliable it is) and it read 114 pounds.

Truthfully I like the way my stomach is now flat but I’m not sure if I’ve gone too far, and I’m worried about what my parents will think when they see me in a bikini in Hawaii. Will they be worried? Should they be worried?

It’s not like I’m not eating regularly; I’ve been eating 3 meals a day. And part of it all is knowing that during the holidays I wont’ be getting much exercise or eating as healthy (Christmas cookies!). So I thought that since I’ve been so good, I can go ahead and let myself slide when I’m away. I can eat those cookies.

These’s just that tiny fear that this has turned into something mental, and that I won’t want to eat the cookies.

A lonely confession

From my journal, dated December 4th, 2013

I’m not going to lie: I’m pretty frustrated with Stephanie at the moment. I had asked her a couple questions related to campaign organizing and it’s been over 2 weeks now without a response. I don’t know whether it makes it worse or better, the fact that she twice sent me “I’ll message you soon; I’ve been so swamped lately” messages.

I know she’s busy; she always has been. I do understand that and I don’t think she’s purposely putting me off; she’s most likely swamped with things.

Confession: to check this and just to make myself feel a bit better by being “bad,” I logged onto her Facebook (yep I know the password). Isn’t that a horrible thing to do? To read her personal messages?

Well, she actually didn’t have many recent ones, which confirmed her busyness.

But still, I feel a bit hurt. Is our friendship really so low on her priority list?

Personally I think that friendships + relationships are to be very much valued, often above school and other things. Now that is obviously because of the scarcity of my relationships and the (over)excellence of my academics. But still. Couldn’t she take 2 minutes to send me a hello?

Maybe I’m just lonely and jealous of her fantastic-fulfilling-fun-filled-amazing-over-achieving-perfect life.

Yes, I’m bitter.

Empty weeks, future possibilities

From my journal, dated December 3rd 2013

Classes are done! Wooot! I feel pretty darn free. I now have a complete week off before exams – one free week. It’s both exhilarating and worrisome that I have nothing planned… except studying of course. I’m going to have to find some other things to do so that I don’t go stir crazy. Problem is that everyone else will be studying and therefore not free to hang out.

The past few weeks a lot of my time has been spent thinking about my asexuality. It’s so often in my thoughts, and I’ve spent hours searching for info on the Web, reading forums, learning, and I even just finished watching a documentary about it. I’ve joined the online community and have posted a couple of times. I’ve even shown interest in going to a meetup! And then today I learnt that a bunch of aces are going to Pride which is going to be in a city nearby in June! Just think that I could attend that!

Obviously there are some issues with that, most basically, would I have the guts to travel alone to a giant city that I’ve basically never been to before and meet-up with people who I’ve never met before? and find accommodation? And then take part in Pride and the LGBT+ community, which I’m not sure that I (or asexuals) feel a part of?

And most of all perhaps, what would I tell family and friends? It would involve lying or coming out.

Anyways, I still have lots of time to think this stuff through. But generally, the future is full of new opportunities. But first, I must make it through exams. And in less than 2 weeks now, I’ll be on vacation with my family! So incredibly stoked 🙂

Politics & Baseball

From my journal, dated November 29, 2013

It’s Friday afternoon and I am crashing so hard right now. This was my last full week of class and I had 2 late nights Wed and Thurs.

Wednesday was Model Parliament’s “Election Night”. It was at the student bar and wasn’t actually very eventful. I met some people from my party; when I joined it, I knew that it was obviously pretty conservative, but I guess I never thought that any of the members could possibly be “real-life” conservatives, but yes, there I was sitting with some card-carrying Conservatives and my friend Nate C. (not to be confused with my roommate Nate), who I thought to be an ally, turns out that he’s also a party member! And he works for the Sustainable Development Centre! Anyways, it was pretty fun and I also met another person from my hometown.

The bigger event was last night, Thursday; I went to my first ever baseball game. An acquaintance and fellow West Coaster, Carmen, had organised a group of people to go together. We met for an early dinner first which was great (and I had 1/2 a pitcher of beer!!). Carmen had an extra ticket she was trying to get rid of (well, sell) so I randomly texted another West Coaster I know through Model Parliament, Erica. I was amazed that Erica sad yes and came along with less than an hour’s notice!

So we bused to the stadium, which took a good 45min. The game was so great. We were sitting pretty high up, but still had a really good view. The atmosphere was awesome. Our group was split 60%/40% fans of the two teams, and I’d same the same about the stadium.Even though I’m not a super big sports fan, and I’ve become slightly less emotionally attached to my hometown team, it was still exciting and… we won!

As tired as I am today, I’m so glad I went. Go team go.

Mounting anxiety

From my journal, dated November 24, 2013

Winter has arrived. The snow + cold are here; today was around -20 Celsius with windchill, but I only know that from the weather report, because today I stayed inside.

A check-in on my life atm: I’m doing pretty well. Not too much schoolwork, and only a week and a half left of classes. This weekend was super chill and I didn’t feel pressured to do very much schoolwork (which might come back to haunt me).

On Friday, Nate + I went out for dinner at Galvido’s which was really nice, and afterwards at home he taught me the (card) game “Dominion” which was lots of fun. We played again on Saturday night. Healthwise, I’m doing ok. I’ve been eating really well – besides my every day after dinner “dessert” which is an excuse to eat chocolate and/or cookies and/or ice cream and/or candy every night which is a really bad habit. I’ve been going for runs 3x a week which is good, except that might change with the snow now. I’ll check the conditions tomorrow, but I might have to start going to the school gym.

I also started the Pill today. So that’s a thing. And probably will be now for many years to come.

Honestly, at this exact moment I’m feeling emotional and tired and stressed. Stressed because I just realized that tomorrow I’m going to have to ask my volunteer supervisor to be my reference. In French too, and it is a fact that when I speak French while nervous (aka always) I mumble and end up making lots of mistakes. It’s also not ideal because I’ve actually not really been working directly under this woman, so she doesn’t know me all that well. As soon as I realized that I had to do this, I was overcome with anxiety, such that I hadn’t felt in quite a while. Almost as scary as the emotion itself, was the familiarity I felt towards it. It’s like this part of me that I had forgotten had been lying dormant and just came back. It made me remember my anxieties of when I was younger and made me consider that maybe my anxiety has been + is a more significant part of me than I had thought. My mum recognized this though, even when I didn’t; just the other day she said that she thought anxiety might be the cause of my not having a period.

Wow, right now I feel like a lazy, over-emotional, unproductive, hot mess of a slob. I think I should head to bed.

My (a)sexuality

From my journal, dated November 11, 2013

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (ha! what else is new?), specifically about sexuality. About my sexuality. Or lack of it.

You see, I think I’m asexual. It’s something I’ve been mulling over for some weeks now. I’m not yet completely sure… and yet… I have no desire in having sex with people. And I’m not even really attracted to people – as in, I can’t remember ever having a crush on someone besides Robbie in Grade 5. I’ve been doing research and spending time on the AVEN (Asexuality Visibility something Network) website and I feel like it might be a space for me. I yearn to know for sure, one way or the other, whether I am asexual or not. Just so I can be certain in myself + how I identify. I’m pretty close to there, but I have some hesitations, including..

– I’ve never been in a relatioship with anyone, or kissed, or had sex with anyone so how can I know it’s not for me?

– maybe I just haven’t put myself out there enough… I do spend most of my days evenings alone. Is it any surprise then that I haven’t found love yet?

– I still have sexual fantasies and can be aroused. The Asexual Network says that some asexuals do, and what makes the difference is whether these feelings are ever connected to or felt towards real people… and for me they’re not.

– and then there’s the whole romantic/aromantic thing, which is different than sexual/asexual. Since I don’t have crushes on people that would put me closer to being aromantic, but then at the same time, I really like the idea of being in a loving committed relationship. I want that. I want to find “the one” and true love. It’s hard to know whether it’s really me that wants those things though or if it’s mostly society and our culture that is feeding/selling it to me. In some ways, I’m scared of coming out as asexual because it would mean admitting to myself and the world that I’m going to be forever alone. It might turn potentials for true love away, and is that something I want to risk? I mean if tomorrow I find the love of my life and feel sexually attracted to them, hell I would drop asexuality in a heartbeat. I want to keep my options open.

But labels change right? People can identify as different things at different times of their life. Maybe I’ll try ” asexual” out for a while.

When will I know with enough certainty that I can begin coming out to people? I think the fact that I identify right now with the feeling of being in the closet is a pretty good indicator that I’m not your typical heterosexual. I can give it a try… I read today that asexuals sometimes shorten the term to “ace” and I found that really cool.

I could be an ace. ♠

Medical firsts

From my journal, dated November 9th, 2013

There’s been so many things on my mind recently that I’ve been wanting to talk about here: politics, health, sexuality… but I never get around to doing it. The past few nights my mind has been racing around, and I’m exhausted from lack of sleep. But right now, let’s talk health, since that’s what was the main theme today.

Background info: I haven’t been getting a period. My last one was almost a year ago, last December, and the one before that was the previous June. I went to the doctor about it this summer at home and she tested my hormones twice, and found my estrogen a bit low twice. I had an ultrasound but nothing there. She recommended that I see a gynecologist when I get back to O-town. And my appointment was today.

I felt like I gained some life skills badges today such as talking to a doctor, discussing options with him, booking a follow-up appointment, picking up + paying for a prescription at the pharmacy, reading medication instructions, and taking a pregnancy test.

“WAIT WHAT?” I know you’re saying. Yeah you’re right I’m getting ahead of myself here. First I’ll tell you what the doc said. He thought that my not getting periods was due to a mix of factors including my active lifestyle and my moving away from home, which he thought might be a stressor. So I’m going on the pill which will help me have regular periods apparently. And before that he said that I should take a pregnancy test, not because he doesn’t believe me when I said I’ve never had sex, but just because that’s the right procedural things to do.

I wonder if he actually believed me.

Anyways, there I was at the pharmacy buying the pill and a pregnancy test, even though I’m a virgin. The pharmacists were really nice though, and didn’t seem to be judging me. They treated me really kindly, kind of like a daughter; I guess they could tell that I had no experience being at a pharmacy before.

Anyways, the pregnancy test came out negative (obviously) and I’ll start the pills tomorrow.

Mommy wow! I’m a big kid now.

Stomach pains

From my journal, dated October 26, 2013

My stomach gets upset pretty often. Well, fairly often. I do not know if this is something that happens to everyone, but I kind of doubt it. I do not know if it’s related to me not having a gallbladder and therefore my body not being able to digest things as well. Or, it could be something that I eat. I just don’t know.

It’s always in the mornings, 1/2 hour to one hour after I wake up. The feelings of indigestion and pain leave once I go to the bathroom. After I go to the bathroom I feel relief but then I stand up and a few minutes later I have to go again. I almost always go 3 times.

Pain is a funny thing because when you aren’t experiencing it, you can talk about it so objectively and almost dismissively. But, when you are in the midst of it, you forget that courage and all you want is for it to stop. It hijacks your mind and body.

These episodes of mine happen probably around twice a month. They truly suck, but the best part is the relief once it’s over, and the feelings of being completely and utterly empty.

Revival

From my journal dated October 19th 2013

Today I went back to the start, as Coldplay says.

Well, first of all until about 11:30 p.m. I was having a pretty sad and lonely and boring Friday night. I was just that: sad, lonely, and bored. But then Stephanie Skyped me and we had a lovely talk. I haven’t talked to her life since she got back to Stanford. We talked about our lives, our courses, our campaigns, politics, pipelines, and intersectionality. Oh, how I really miss her. I’m so thankful, God, that regardless of my loneliness here, I’ve been blessed with one true good friend, practically soulmate.

And then I woke up this morning and went for a bike ride to G-park. I’ve done it once before almost exactly one year ago; in fact, I think I wrote about it here in this journal. Winding through the trees really revived me, the true me. I hadn’t realized how deficient my community + life has been of nature, and I realized that a lot of my happiest memories and moments where I felt the most like myself have been outdoors.

Then I came upon it. The cliff, a boulder beside the trail with something of a path leading up the side. It was where I’d stopped a year ago and sat overlooking it all. I climbed up and took a seat and was once again at peace, as cheesy as it sounds. My stresses and worries had no jurisdiction there. For once, I was alone, but not lonely. I spent some time reflecting on my life and specifically the past year. Then I picked up my bike, and headed home.